I Believe in Fairy-Tales

when i graduated, i had my one really close friend who i did a lot with (who started dating her soon to be husband and was married a year after graduation), and i dated... A LOT! i had 3 or 4 different guys taking me out, which was fun, but i never went out and made new friends. then march 2008 i started dating my very first real boyfriend.

after we officially broke up i kind of became a hermit. i focused 100% on school, and i don't remember if i actually went out, but i know that when i did, i didn't enjoy myself and all i thought of was him and how one day we will get back together because this was just a break and he does love me, he just wants me to date other people so i'm sure that he's what i really want... blah..blah..blah. man was i lame/pathetic. my best friend was married, and i wanted to be. that's the only reason why i was holding onto him for so long. i will be forever grateful for the relationship that we had and the many many lessons i learned from him and from our being together.... but he was definitely not for me. and i definitely am not for him.

anyway, after a long year... i officially got over him about October/November 2009. mostly because i was an idiot and tried to reignite the flame that we had over the summer... it just turned right around and bit me in the bum, but whatever. i'm over it, and that's all that matters.

up until now i was always crazy about boys (hello 7th grade email: ivegoneboycrazy@hotmail.com... yeeup and i still use it (for not serious mail haha)) (ok and maybe i still kind of am boy crazy, but i'm not AS crazy) and wanted more than anything to get married. of course i want to get married, but i'm not as depressed about it as i was before. and here is why...

i'm not ready.

i've finally come to realize that the last month or so. and today i know it more than ever that i'm not ready. i know that for a 2 reasons (off the top of my head)...

1) i'm still not 100% comfortable in the shoes i'm in. i'm almost there... my acne doesn't bother me anymore, i'm ok with my imperfect body (even though of course i'm working on losing the weight that i've gained since high school)... and i am aware that i'm not an absolutely awful person, i have some strong points... however... i sometimes find myself caring what other people think. stupid i know. but whatever, i've come a long way from where i was a year ago. some days/moments i'm oober confident and i think to myself "ya girl. you rock! you so got this! you can talk to whoever, whenever, you're freaking tight!" not in a conceited way, but you know... like humble confidence. that sounds like an oxymoron... but anyway so one day/moment i feel like that and the next i'm back in the dumps... "dang girl... do you have any friends? does anyone really care whether or not you exist? become a hermit again, you'll probably be better off that way."- lame right? tell me about it. i hate days/moments like that.

2) i have so much i want to accomplish/experience before i get married. i still need to experience life on my own-out of my parents house, paying my own bills. as of right now, i don't have time to do the things i want to learn to do, preferably before i get married. i want to sew my own clothes and make quilts. i want to do family history. i want to garden-oh boy do i want to garden. and paint and brush up on my piano playing skills. and i have always always wanted to travel the world! anyway i think that doing these things/learning these things will help me in becoming the person i want to become. i kinda want to be that person already when i meet Mr. Right.

i know that i will be ready someday. and when i know who i am and i love myself, then i will be able to share myself with my husband and truly love him.

i just got a new laptop, and i'm slightly obsessed right now haha. yesterday instead of studying pharmacology, i started to blog stalk and i came across a blog that was all about weddings and such. i looked at all of the pictures of the happy couples and became "wedding planning hungry" haha i'm weird. anyway i also came across this...

http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/ ... and today i came across this...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHDvxPjsm8E (but on lds.org... i was not looking up things on youtube on the Sabbath-promise)

its the blog/mormon message about the LDS woman who was in an airplane crash with her husband a couple of years ago and survived. i LOVE her blog! anyway, despite all of her trials-she has love. she loves her Savior, she loves her family (umm... adorable family)... and her husband LOVES her! they are absolutely adorable and so in love. they're life isn't at all easy, but they have love and they have the knowledge of the gospel.

after reading her blog, i truly believe in fairy-tales. in true love. its REAL! i know of plenty of people who say that love like that doesn't exist-theres no such thing as perfect love. excuse me... it does and there is such a feeling. how beautiful it is! perfect love DOES exist. perfect people do not exist, but i believe imperfect people can have perfect love for each other. they may make mistakes, but they have that deep, pure love for each other. its the perfect blend of the love of Christ and romance! i believe!

how awesome it will be? i can wait for love like that... i will find it someday, when i'm ready. why settle for some mediocre love now, when in 2, 3, 5, 7 (k hopefully not 7) years down the road i can have something 92384098 times better? i'm sure that people who may start off on the wrong foot can-with the right attitude- definitely find that divine love for each other. i'm just going to choose to start off on the right one

ps sorry for the out-of-the-blue-ness of this post.

i'm a survivor!

thats right i'm a survivor, i'm not gonna give up, i will survive... keep on survivin'!

man... from about 8 o'clock monday night to tuesday afternoon at about 1:30pm my mind was going crazy. for those of you who may not know... tuesday i saw my 1st REAL patient. well... i saw my cousin the last day of school last semester, BUT i wasn't graded, and i know her... i say this patient is my 1st REAL pt because 1) i never met him before the appointment and 2) i was/am being graded on him! BLECH! anyway... the feeling i was feeling, such a not-fun feeling. and apparently it was written ALL over my face! haha! during my first class tuesday morning i sat in the corner and didn't really talk to anyone and didn't feel like talking to anyone. i didn't eat lunch, because i couldn't! correction... i ate a pickle haha. but that was it! i was SO extremely nervous! so 1:30ish came and i walked down the hall of doom... almost poo-ing myself... and then i called my patient back.... and he looked so nice-thankfully he was! what a relief! the rest of the day was cake... kinda... but i wasn't scurred anymore!

of course there are plenty of frustrations i have... for example... we've learned to do lots... but some things they tell us we have to do we aren't sure if we've learned... and then they say "oh ya you haven't learned that yet"... or things that i thought we have learned i hear peeps say... "no we're not supposed to do that because we've learned it but not really"... confused? ya... me too.

anywhoo thats all i have time for. i know i haven't posted about my trip yet... i'll get to it... maybe. now i'm off to the books!

yay! i survived the first week of 2nd semester!

p.s. a BIG shout out to my parents and close friends (both inside and outside of school) who encourage me on a daily basis! i definitely need it!