Twelve Pages and Counting

There is something therapeutic about writing things down on paper.

I don't know what it is, but the way words go from your brain, down to your finger tips, and onto the paper is magical.

I love writing with a good pen. A pen with ink that flows just right (not too runny so that it smudges, not so dry that it scratches).

I've been doing a lot of writing in my journal lately. Not as much as I'd like. I wish that I could write for hours, but I can't for several reasons. One, my hand gets tired after an hour or so. Two, I just have not had time.

Some people may say, "Well, Silly, how about you just type everything up?"

Nope. It's not the same as writing it down. Typing isn't nearly as formal, and it seems so impersonal.

I have written twelve pages, and I still have probably a hundred to go.

What am I writing about?

I'm writing about a man who left this earthly life on July 29 of this year. I'm writing about all of the significant events that have occurred since then. I'm writing down every sweet text message, email, conversation that I can remember. I'm writing down any and every memory that I have of my dad. Then, when I'm missing him and I'm in a dark place, I can go back and read about all the nice things people said and did, about the good times we had with him, and about the hope that I have right now for the future. Right now, I'm at twelve pages, and I've only covered the first twenty four hours...

Dad suffered from depression his entire life. He went through a lot hell growing up-those precious, critical, first few years of his life he was abused and neglected (among other things). No wonder he had so many problems. I only wish that I had understood Dad's physical and mental pain while he was here. Depression is like cancer or any other serious illness, but no one seems to get it. Everyone thinks (I did too for a time, until now) depression is a choice-that people can and should just take a pill and get over it. However, it's not that easy. Sometime the depression goes into remission, just like cancer. You see a ray of hope and you feel like everything is fine. Then (sometimes) it comes back, and takes all the light away. Depression ended up taking the light of life out of my Dad.

Someone brought over Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban with two pages doggy eared. This person has suffered from depression and felt that J.K. Rowlings words describing Dementors, described depression perfectly...

"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. 

They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, 

they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them. 

Even Muggles feel their presence, though they can't see them. 

Get too near a dementor and every good feeling, 

every happy memory will be sucked out of you.

 If it can, the dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself... soul-less and evil. 

You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life. 

And the worst that happened to you, [Dad], is enough to make anyone fall off their broom. 

You have nothing to feel ashamed of." (p.187)

My poor dad.

I have been "incredibly strong" through the past two and a half weeks. That's what they tell me anyway. But in quiet moments, when I'm alone, I feel like everything is crashing down around me. Those moments are quick-just a few short seconds and then I'm OK again. I know that the only reason I have been strong is because of those of you offering up prayers to our love Father in Heaven in behalf of me and my family. We have been completely overwhelmed by the amount of love and support (both physical and emotional) that has been poured out over us. This entire experience has been extremely bitter, but equally sweet. Things are definitely looking up, despite the long road of "moving on" ahead of us.

Thank you all for everything you have done, and no doubt will continue to do, for my family.
XOXO
Tori

Before I dive into this post, I should probably let you know how I've been with those projects I posted about last time...

Um... I... haven't... really... started....

Ok so that's a lie. I did start working on the navy, gold, and white skirt, but it's taking a lot longer then expected. Some day I will be able to whip out skirts and take in dresses like nobody's business... Until that day... I'll just have to learn to buy things that fit.

Ok onto the post....

I made a pretty big purchase last week.... I bought a car! I bought a 2006 Toyota Matrix XR complete with a/c and windows that work (among several other perks-like a sun roof)! Best part? 24400 miles. That's it!

Let's Compare: 

Matrix                        vs.                  Daewoo

A/C                                                               No A/C

Windows that roll down                            Broken window

CD/Mp3/AM/FM Radio                         AM/FM Radio

Fabric Seats                                                   Leather Seats 

Happy Red                                   Old Person Gold 

25+ city mpg, 30-33 hwy mpg                20ish city mpg, hwy mpg=? 

Not about to explode                                     Almost exploded

Cute                                                              Fugly

Ok. Maybe the Daewoo isn't fugly. But in comparison... it is closer to fugly on the cute to fugly spectrum.

Let me tell you, having a car feels great! Those of you who have known me for awhile know that I have been car-less for almost a full year! I hated always having to ask for rides and not being able to do as I pleased because I didn't have a car. I cringe just thinking about that life I lived for nearly 12 months. Honestly Sparkles (2000 Daewoo Leganza-don't hate on the name) lived a long good life, just the last couple of years were rough. But he served his purpose. I definitely preferred him over no car at all.

Now you are probably asking... "If the Daewoo has been dead for almost a year, why is it still in your front yard? Are you guys white trash?"

My response??

Why yes... yes we are... what's it to ya?

Post-Grad Life

I have been the laziest I've ever been in my life the last month! For Realz! Well, sort of. I started doing P90X w/my buddies Michelle and Brian. I have been doing it pretty much every day! Except... this week was rest week and I did just that... rested. Haha I didn't do Kenpo or Cardio X. I did however dance on Monday, yesterday I did yoga, and today I danced and swam. I have definitely noticed some changes going on in muh body. I like it. I like it a lot. The graduated life has been pretty peachy... Especially since I have all this time to read for funzies and watch movies and TV shows. 

I read The Hunger Games series and oh my goodness gracious I loved them!!! I laughed, I cried, I stayed up til 4 am... Don't judge. But seriously these books are incredible. If you haven't read them-you best get started son (or... daughter)! 

When you are done with Hunger Games, pick up Matched. Same general idea... corrupt government with a lot of secrets... awesome yet complicated and heart wrenching love story, but a completely different one at that. I love, love, love this book! I read it awhile ago and its fantastic! 

I'm going to buy/read it again before the sequel Crossed comes out (don't worry... I'll probably pre-order it).

I am really motivated to get the ball rolling on 1-playing the piano and 2-sewing (mostly altering things that I've picked up at thrift stores)...

I got the skirt above from Goodwill for 4 buckaroos! Its a little big so I plan on taking it in and adding the thick black elastic to the top. I am in love with the pattern-isn't it just so fun!? Best part about the skirt... it has pockets!!! I'm excited.

I made the skirt above with my grandma awhile ago. I didn't wear it for several reasons. The main reason was the top ruffle... its shorter than the others. If anything it should be longer than the others. I don't know. It's just bothered me all this time. So i'm going to take out the top layer and put a different one in. Then I plan on sewing white elastic to the top. 

I snagged this dress for $1!! Uno Dolar!! Its sort of big and the sleeves are a little too much for me... I may change my mind once I take it in and add accessories. I love it!!

So stay tuned and you'll see pictures of the finished products.  

PS don't hate on my horrible pictures. The screen on my camera is white/black/cracked. Breaks muh heart.

PSS Happy Fathers Day tomorrow to all dem daddies/future daddies out there! Lots of love to mi padre y mi abuelito! Te quiero mucho! (You like that? Ya-I didn't use google translate for that). 

The last 15 months of my life have been... in a word... a blur. Really. I've said it a thousand times and I'll say it a million times more; I cannot believe that its over (well almost... 1 week from tomorrow is the last day!).

Yesterday was filled with graduation festivities. First pinning, then graduation. I didn't shed one tear, but I came pretty darn close when my good friends Dania and Kara were giving their speech. They were going through all of the students in our group and saying something about them that they will never forget. When Dania said my name and started talking about how I acted that first day of clinic... (which was much like a deer in the headlights)... my eyes swelled up with tears... tears from both laughter and pure amazement at the progress that I have made-really all of us in the program... 

I remember that first day of clinic like it was yesterday. Not much less than a year ago, I was in my first dental materials lab, sitting by Dania and Shalyn. We had only a few hours before our first, real clinic session. That's right. First real appointment. I would be playing dental hygienist and there would be some man, whom I had not ever met before, playing patient. Oh wait. Except we weren't playing anymore. It was real life. I was really about to provide a professional dental cleaning  for a real, living, breathing person.

I was in a daze all through that first class... and lunch... and during our "focus" (something we do before and after every clinic session to tell our instructor and fellow classmates what our goals are for the day, and what actually happened). Seriously. I had like... one bite of my pickle-I was so nervous! I couldn't eat at all. But I remember after meeting my patient, that first patient of mine, all worries and stresses went away (momentarily). He was so nice- I was so blessed! Even though it took me forever, he was nice/patient at every appointment (the fact that it took me 4, 3.5 hour appointments to clean this mans mouth boggles my mind-seriously-what did I do for 14 hours?). 

Yesterday as Dania poked fun at me, I was reminded about how far I've come, how far we've all come!

I remember like it was yesterday being at Sea World with Dar and Chelle and Erica when I found out that I could apply to Rio (my finger-print clearance had come through). How could I forget the day my mom called me at work to tell me that there was a rather large envelope addressed to me from Rio Salado College, School of Dental Hygiene. I made her open it and read it to me. I remember thinking, "Oh my gosh. There is WAY too much paperwork, too many rules, too many assignments to stay afloat! I will never feel comfortable with patients! How will I, Tori Wadsworth, ever get to where THEY [the second years] are?"

Of course I was not the perfect dental hygiene student or fellow classmate. I did not put 110% into my studies, and I was no longer the straight-A student I was used to being... I didn't really open up to everyone till 3rd semester, and I know I didn't become super close friends with a lot of my classmates. Regardless, I still feel close to them. We all just went through a rigorous program together. We all had the same assignments, same patient requirements, same ridiculous projects, same board examinations... We've been through it all together. Despite all of the drama that may or may not have happened, I love every single girl + Kyle in my class! Seriously. To any of you who have read this- I love you and I wish you the best of luck! We did it! Sure enough, we all got to where those second years were! 

Shoot- we are down-right LEGIT RDHs! 

Negligent

Hello all who take time to read my silly little blog! Long time no posts- I know I know- Guilty!

Sorry I've neglected my blog... among several other things.

As some of you may know.... I HAVE FIVE YES FIVE MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!! Oh my how surreal it is! So as you can imagine I have been pret-ty busy as of late. I don't really hang out much. I choose to go running, sleep, and study on the weekends. Thankfully all of my distractions (aka TV addictions) are on break. I'll occasionally attend a social function of sorts, but it's rare. I'm so sad I know that some friendships are probably hanging by threads, but hey, if my friends don't understand that school has to go first right now... then poop. They'll have to get over it.

I took and passed my anesthesia board on March 12th! Oh how joyous it was!!!! Seriously the greatest accomplishment. I was SO SO SO nervous! But I did it!! Woot Woot!!!

Now my stresses are:
-completing several random, unnecessary assignments
-studying for National Boards (I take it April 28th), Process of Care Exam (April 18th), and Jurisprudence Exam (May 10th)
-finding a board patient for my clinical boards (May 9th)
-getting resumes out
-getting in shape for summer in the next 5 weeks since I have sooo much time on my hands =/
-practicing/perfecting the dances for my performance in 2 weeks

I am super freaking out. Especially about National Boards. I don't feel prepared at all! Despite all of the sacrifices I've already made, I still haven't had a lot of time to study. Things keep coming up (assignments, people who need me, family functions, etc.) that take a lot of time/energy.

Since I probably won't be posting anything for a few weeks... You should probably do the following...
-Pray for me
-Pray for me
-aaaand watch this video....

I'm so grateful for the "Kid History" Episodes and the great comic relief they provide for me. If you don't like them.... it's in your best interest to keep it to yourself. Baha I kid I kid... but seriously.

P.S. Feel free to follow me if you want... =)